its about time im a about to be 22! at the end of july. holy shit. i really need to get shit done. man time flys its frigtening.

dammit the man and i are doing miserable again. hes badgering me about not wanting to quit my job. we were supposed to go to the rainbow gathering at the end of the month. fuckk. wish theyd just fire me so i didnt have to decide either way. lord knows i prefer the universe to make me decisions for me.

i was thinking a lot last night about all the near rape experiences ive been through. specifically that of juanito, my older once-friend.

it was at the house in Barrio Hollywood, where i was staying that summer. juan was a local legend,druggie,artist and somehow he ended up staying at the house for a few weeks.

we were drinking since sunrise. chain smoking joints. i was such a tease then i cant believe it now. still am really but i have a lot more self control(boyfriend). back then there was no such thing. today control is that annoying voice in my head. the wind blew me around.

when connor went to bed juan and i took a final night cap of some substance or another. i just wanted to lay with someone in my bed. im still afraid of the dark and that house was haunted. did it start in the bed or against the wall? was it only one night or two? it felt good seeing his passion. the lust in his eyes moved me. i fought against him slowly. the buckle on my pants shattered against his fervor. i made him stop. we went to bed. did i send him away?

i remember scolding him in the morning. i told him in plain terms what he almost did. i acted mad but i wasnt. truth is I was having so much fun with him. wed walk around downtown and i was seen. i didnt know much about juanito then, but i knew he was someone. i lent him 400 for a q.p. of mushrooms. we left for the party in mexico a few days later.

that was right before my 18th birthday. in mexico i met pingui, 34 anos, drug mule.

like the rolling hills
we rolled like kids
loud sounds
open your mind now

federali's sit on benches
toting guns,
watching the people of the sun.

realizing even the dogs
are free
fell in love,
pinguino, y mi.

i pulled pingui towards me, pretending to hand him the 40. he was trying not to love me, out of respect for juan--who apparently claimed me earlier. as we kissed i knew it'd be so hard to drop him. but i knew there was something to be learned.

to be continued...

(no subject)

i've always felt like i was being pulled into a vacuum. isn't that what they call a black hole.

now that ive smoked after one! day of not smoking i should really kick my ass and do some belly dance dvd and art work. lets see i've got maybe three hits and a dash of kif. that could get me through the night si no fumo nada mas ahorita.


go from this cloaked life

this is going to be harder than i thought. lost it and smoked at 1:47. all i could do was lie in bed and watch grease. now i'm dancing and watching youtube vids of people in my dance community. salsa class is in four and a half hours. gotta make it across town somehow.

its like a never ending flow of getting high and coming down and wanting back up; like my life for the last six years.

i havent done any art all week. george is going to be pissed when he ask what ive done on monday!

why stop when the world is crashing? wish i had my moms type writer fixed so i can save these ramblings forever. i just cant seem to write in a diary the way i can on a keyboard.

i cant read lately or else i have no time for it in my busy schedule of smoke. Kerouac and Bowles are taunting me.

at least i havent gone on any eating binge. i made sure to have a big breakfast so i wouldnt.

two eggs-140
two toasts-180

probably will only have raw apple juice before class. maybe ill even do sit ups to appease the gods.
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    okay okay